The Men’s Room Hand Washing Systems (patent pending)

1. Objective: To enable all users of the Men’s room to effectively sanitize their hands before they step out of the comfort station after every use.

2. Users: All users of the Men’s room. If you thought only men used Men’s room, sorry, you are gravely mistaken. Try any one of the busy clubs in
Detroit. Also, we can’t risk gender bias.

3. Data Flow:

3.1. Scan all entities entering the outside door of the washrooms.

3.2. Evaluate the microbial content of the digital extremities.

3.3. Assign Entity ID.

3.4. Record Microbial Content of hands.

3.5. Retrieve data from past usage.

3.6. If Habitual Offender flag is “Y”, check the “National Repeat Offender” database.

3.7. If Wavi Number (Wash Violation Number) exceeds the national average of 19, fumigate the entity on entry. (Yeah, we don’t want to compromise lavatory’s fauna safety.)

3.8. On opening the second door, invite the entity to one of the available stalls by setting the curser. It should curse.

3.9. Perform a Pre-flush. Use “Blue” flush just in case any macho entity is offended by pink.

3.10. Play “Babbling brook” music to aid user input.

3.11.Gum Spitting:

3.11.1.If entity spits gum, increase “Gum Spit” counter by one.

3.11.2. Evaluate the “Gum Spit” count and issue warning “Inconsistent data entered in the Urinal…Please put it back from where you took it”.

3.12. Cigarette butt Butts:

3.12.1. If entity flicks a Cigarette butt, dispense 75ml of Isopentane in the bowl and create “Flambé effect”.

3.12.2.Play “We didn’t start the fire” song by Billy Joel.

3.13. On completion of the entity’s business routine, issue a reminder “Please wash your hands”.

3.13.1. Set the voice to “Techno voice”.

3.13.2. Note to Project Manager: Sign contract with “Kraft Werk”.

3.14. Turn only the “Tap Running” noise on before releasing water. 80% of the entities look at the mirror after turning the tap on. Save water. Save Planet Earth.

3.15. Release water as user takes the hands closer to the tap.

3.16. Dispense Soapy water for 11 seconds. Methylated Spirit cleansing for 4.5 seconds. If Repeat Offender flag is on, dispense bleach for 3.1 seconds.

3.17. Half Hearted wash recognition:

3.18.1 If entity does a half-hearted wash through peer pressure, issue warning “Insufficient wash data. Please re-wash”.

3.18.2 Use “Answering machine” voice.

3.19. No-one-is-looking-towel-wipe: If entity does just the “No-one-is-looking-towel-wipe”, issue warning “Wash attempt failed. Who are you kidding”? Use “Queen Latifah” voice.

3.20. If entity fails to wash hands and attempts to exit, use mild voltage (11000 volts) zap mechanism at the door handle.

3.21. Handle exceptions: If erring entity manages to handle the “handle”, allow entity to exit. Tag entityId. On exiting the Men’s room, put one dozen high intensity spot lights on the entity, spray indelible violet-pink dye, release 312 ounces of Hydrogen Sulphide and set the siren on.

4. Future Development Phase:

4.1. Spanish version

4.2. Reporting module and repeat offender list

5. Out of Scope:

5.1. Bilirubin level monitoring.

5.2. STD early detection.

6. Risks:

6.1. Design limitations for subsystem for a place where “No man has set foot before” – The Women’s Restroom.

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2 Responses to “The Men’s Room Hand Washing Systems (patent pending)”

  1. Matthew Jabs May 14, 2007 at 2:36 am #

    lol…this is great. It reminds me of a post I wrote awhile ago…here it is.

    Welcome Pedro, and good luck.

  2. K-IntheHouse May 14, 2007 at 11:53 am #

    🙂 Nice one Pedro!!

    I had no idea one dwell on stuff like this so deeply!